A full day!

I spent a full day in a class today... two words come to mind, information and overload!

I am taking a preparation class/certification review class for CAPA. Certified Ambulatory Peri Anesthesia... I can also opt to take the CPAN instead. Certified Post Anesthesia Nurse...

Hemodynamics, acid-base, peri-anesthiesia, hematology, ACLS, fluid management, etc. etc. etc.

Now what makes this different from my last Critical Care Course, is that we are cramming a lot of information into a single day, that would normally be covered over a week! Seven Saturdays, that would normally take 2 months! Arrgggh!

It is a lot of information to cover, review, self-study, and self-test!

So, I am sacrificing my time... and a significant amount of brain power... to get through something!

Why!?

Well, on the surface, one might be able to claim a selfish reason... I can add another letter, or four, after my name, my resume will be padded, and potentially my employer or future employer will consider this certification when determining my pay-grade!

A deeper reason... it will make me a better nurse!

My knowledge base has been expanded, enhanced, and challenged! I have learned some things that I wil be able to apply to my practice, that will help others.

That is the bottom line.

I am sacrificing my time and self, in order to be able to serve others at a higher level!

I'm tired, actually exhausted! Time for a well needed and deserved rest!

By the way, my foot/toe is doing much better!

I can now wear a regular shoe/boot, as the swelling has gone down. The colors I am seeing are quite remarkable, as is the extent of the coverage! I am still heel/flat foot walking... which means a bit of a limp. Otherwise, I am going back to regular duties next week!

Take care!

Relationships

I have been married... and divorced... twice. Not something to be proud of...

In each marriage, I loved my spouse. In a way, I still love each of them. In both cases, there was something that attracted us to each other, bonded us together, and caused us to enter into a relationship. Some may find it strange that I can still say that I love each of my ex-wives. Understand though, that the love I feel for them is not a romantic type of love. It is more of a nuturing, caring, Christian type of love.

So, someone asked me the other day when I was going to start getting out, start dating again.

The question took me by surprise. Don't misunderstand... several of my friends have suggested people I should meet, invited me to attend events that their "friend" will be at, etc. But the question was so straight forward and direct.

Now, everybody has heard of rebound relationships. When is a relationship a "rebound" vs. not? Is it a matter of time? Is it a matter of awareness of self? Is it a matter of readiness? What are the criteria?

I have heard several figures as to the time needed to heal and be ready for a relationship following a divorce. The one that keeps coming up is 1 year of "singleness" for every 4 years of "marriage." But this is only a guideline. There are a lot of issues that need to be dealt with before someone considers entering into a new relationship.

One of the best determinants I have heard is, "When you are comfortable with yourself, comfortable being single, not needing to be involved in a relationship to define yourself, then, and only then, are you ready for a relationship."

The point is, there is no hard and fast rule.

Too often, people get involved in relationships before they are ready... this would be a "rebound."

My suggestion is to surround yourself with friends. If your a guy, go play some basketball with other guys, have a beer together, go fishing! If your a gal, go play some basketball with other gals, have a beer together, go fishing! The gist is to make same-sex friends first. Find someone that you can talk to and share with, that won't judge you. Gals, this is where you definately have an advantage over us guys!

So to answer the question...

I'm not looking. It will happen when it happens!

Life... existence vs. living!

As I was leaving work today, I saw a flash of red and white to my left that had no business being there. It caused me to stop my Jeep and take a second look.


What I saw was a small little head sticking out of a hole in a tree. It was more than likely an Acorn Woodpecker chick, but not seeing the full body/back, I couldn't tell for sure. Blood red, snow white, and a black so deep and rich... set against the browns, greys, and yellows of the Pinon Pine Tree...


I needed to be there... I needed to see this!


Luckily, I had my camera with me and was able to take a picture. Eventually I will try to upload it to this post. (UPDATE: Picture uploaded 03/05/09)

I sat there, in my car, window down, camera in hand for several minutes. All I was thinking about was the simplicity of the situation. Something so bold and striking, set against something fairly common and actually drab...


It was the perfect metaphor for life!


Each of us, every single being... we are all unique... individual... different... yet, we are all interacting and existing in something that is common to all of us. In each of us, there is something special and eye-catching... yet more often than not, the majority of people just see the drab surroundings around us, barely noticing...


What about that? How many people just go about there business, not seeing? Not experiencing? Not living... just existing?


Existence, in my opinion and from personnal experience, is an excuse for avoiding life!


Life is meant to be lived. Yes, it can be painful sometimes! But the pain one feels is minor compared to the joy and elation one feels when they actually live their life!


I have experienced pain. My pain has been physical, emotional, and spiritual. But this pain has helped to remind me that I am human, and that I am alive! The secret to getting through the pain is to just experience it, trust in others, and have a little faith!

Your body responds to pain (and other situations) with a "flight or fight" response. Medically speaking, your sympathetic nervous system kicks on and it gets you through it. Eventually, the adrenaline wears off, the endorphins (the body's natural pain killers) wear off, and one begins to feel real, actual pain. This is when friends become important!

Friends support you, they care about and for you, they are there for you and provide for you. They help you, they ask about you, they check on you. You have to trust them! You are disabled in someway, and you need to rely on them in someway.

So for those that are in a particular place right now...

Have faith! There are people in this world that love you and care for you! There are people that are concerned and are willing to help. There are people that will tend to your wounds, listen to you, hold your hand, and just be there for you!

It's ultimately your choice...

You have to let them in...

Prior to my little incident last week... Flagstaff got a little snow over the weekend. I came home and as I was walking up to my apartment, I saw a neighbor walking out to their car with a small ice scrapper and a broom. I paused, watching to see which car they went to. Needless to say, their car was "snowed in." The ice scrapper and broom was not going to be enough to free the car. There was a 2 to 3 foot burm behind the car from the plow, that their front-wheel-drive vehicle was not going to be able to break through...

I went into my apartment, told Sadie to wait, and grabbed my snow shovel. I went back out to help my neighbor. I broke down the burm, shoveled out the wheels (front, back, and in between) and made a path to the driver's side door. It took me about 20 minutes. My neighbor thanked me. I told them, "no problem, any time you need help, just knock on my door." They haven't taken me up on the offer yet, but then again... it hasn't significantly snowed again... yet...

A small, random act of kindness... or was it a big, essential intervention? How did my action affect my neighbor? Did it get them through? Did it make their day? Perhaps they thought that they got a poor sap to help them? To me, it doesn't matter! I did what I needed to do, at the time that I needed to do it! Remember, I seem to be in certain places, at certain times, for certain reasons...

So ... that was almost a week and a half ago. A lot has transpired since then! I was injured at work, I survived a short week at work, I spent a full day in a class on Saturday, went down to Phoenix to spend a day with my daughters, and now I'm back at work...

More importantly, I read a book that a friend gave to me! She gave it to me some time ago, and I am ashamed to say, I finally read it... however, I am proud to say that once I picked it up, I couldn't put it down!

Cover to cover! I read it in less than 24 hours! I laughed, I cried, snickered, laughed, and cried some more!

So to all of you who are following this blog, those that might happen upon it, and to those that accidently click on something that brings you here...I love you! It is in the relationships that we create, nuture, and grow that ultimately matters!

I went to work today. Almost a full 8 hours. I tried to limit my activity... I tried to keep my foot elevated... I took Ibuprofen...

I tried... but when I got home this evening my foot was throbbing, it was bleeding again, and I could hardly get my dog Sadie out for her evening constitutional!

Needless to say, I ate some dinner, took a Lortab, elevated my foot, and packed it in snow. Yes, snow! You see, I still have between 2 or 3 feet of that white fluffy stuff right outside my door. It's better than crushed ice! It is very cold, very light, and easily formable/moldable around odd shaped parts!

Tomorrow, I am going to work again. But it will be a short day, I will be more diligent about elevation, and I will be sure to use some ice!

I had an interesting reception at work today. Of course I had to go through the typical ribbing, jokes, and comments about milking the system... but I also had several people continuously say they were sorry, almost everytime I ran into them. This made me wonder why?

Why were they sorry? They weren't involved, they weren't there, they couldn't have done anything to prevent or lessen the outcome. Why were they sorry?

Was it compassion? Was it empathy? Sympathy? Better you than me (that is, There by the Grace of God go I...)?

After I had told the story and gave an update on my status for about the 10th time, I finally got it!

These were my friends and they were concerned. For most it was compassion for a fellow co-worker, a friend that was injured. For some it was sympathy. And for one or two it was empathy as they too had been injured at work... not necessarily in the same way, but none the less.

This made me proud and humbled at the same time! Here were people that were expressing their concern and love for me in each of their own ways. I am part of a team at work. My absence for a couple of days was felt.

I am proud to be associated with such a fine group of people! I am humbled that they consider me an important part of the team!

So, to:

Amy, Dr. Cashmore, Dr. Knecht, Suzie, Martha, Sharon, Shar, Tracey, Liz, Jim, Chris, Dr. Norris, Garret, AnneMarie, Katy, Karen, Laurie, Tubby, Inez, Norma, Dr. Mellinger, Dr. Bonatus, Jen, Shannon, Neva, Nicole, and everyone else...

Thank you!

Pain...

Today, I felt real, physical, excruciating pain. While at work, a 500lb Operating Room Table, rolled over my foot. Miraculously... I did not swear out loud! I calmly, but rather urgently, left the area to go get some ice.

As I sat on a couch with my foot up on a chair, packed in ice, being attended to by a fellow employee... the pain finally hit me. You see, my sympathetic response had run it's course... no more fight or flight... the adrenaline was wearing off, the endorphins had been burned through... I finally swore out loud!

After an impromptu look by a surgeon who just happened to be passing by... I ended up getting a more formal exam and x-rays. There is a fracture, some soft-tissue crushing injury, and I'm going to lose a toe-nail! Hopefully, the bleeding was from the avulsed toe-nail, and doesn't penetrate through the soft tissue down to the bone.

I now have a walking boot, and two scripts for an antibiotic and pain medicine! I have my foot elevated, iced, and am enjoying the effects of Lortab!

The pain I felt today, was intense... but surprisingly manageable. I find it interesting that such a trauma can occur and that the human body can withstand, persevere, and adapt!

If only all trauma, physical, emotional, and spiritual, could be handled that way! Perhaps it can, and I've already mentioned the secret...

You see, initially, there was nothing I could do or not do to immediately affect my situation. It was a natural response by my body to get me through and into a safe place. When my own defenses wore off, I had a friend to help me. This friend helped me with immediate first aid and then getting me to more definitive help. Then even more friends helped me by calling in prescriptions so I wouldn't have to wait long, offering me a ride home, and willing to check on me and bring me food, walk my dog, etc.

As we go through life, there are things that happen that we can not control. We respond to these things in a purely survival oriented manner. Afterwards, we need friends to help restore us.

My foot will hurt for awhile. But the help that I received today, will always be remembered!

It's time for more pain medicine... talk to you in a few days! ;)

Lonliness...

The past few days, my dog, companion, and best friend, Sadie has been ailing...

Sadie is a Black Lab/Daschuand mix (don't ask... only realize that there was probably a box involved somewhere)!

I've had Sadie for many years. She is 12 - 13 years old, with the typical Lab greying on her snout... she is a very good girl! As mentioned before, also a good friend and companion.

She is the kind of dog that always wants to be where you are. If I get up and go into the kitchen, she is there (probably hoping for a milkbone or dropped food), if I go into the bedroom, she is there (probably hoping to be invited up onto the bed), if I go into the bathroom, she is there (why? I'm not sure, other than it's because I'm in there....)

When I go outside, I have to tell her to stay and that I'll be back; otherwise, she expects that I will take her with me! However, when I come home... she is right there, excited, and seemingly thankful for my return!

Does she ever get lonely? That is a question I have often asked myself. Being alone is one thing, but being lonely is another. I don't think Sadie is lonely! She is with me almost 16 hours a day! We are together, we go for walks, we play...

But she is left alone sometimes... well behaved and house trained too (which probably explains why she is so happy and excited to see me when I do come home ;) ....)

But what about me?

I live alone, except for Sadie, but am I lonely?

I must admit, I do sometimes feel lonely. It's a weekend, I have no plans, and I have nothing to do, nowhere to be, no events... That's when being alone can start to become lonely!

I have many friends between my work and Church. Trying to balance invitations with beliefs and committments though, has often been trying! I could be very socially active and not alone most of the time! However, for this time in my life I choose to be alone. I enforce aloneness upon myself. But for the most part, I am not lonely! I have many activities, many friends, many outlets... and a dog!

So, Sadie has not been eating as much lately, she has been sleeping a lot, limping a bit when we go for walks...

She's an old dog. It makes me worry and think that she will not be around forever. Her leaving me, makes me sad. It brings up emotions and feelings that I might truly be alone...

At the same time, I am thankful for the time we had together! She has taught me so many things! First and foremost, it's not all about me! There are others in this world that need my attention and care. Sometimes that means self-sacrifice, but none-the-less, the rewards are far greater than the costs! Second, unconditional love is a precious thing! There are, by my experience, five things in this life that provide unconditional love! I have been honored and privaleged to experience four of them! Third, there is a difference between being alone and being lonely! Think for a moment about how much time you spend alone. In the bathroom, in a car, in an elevator, an office, in a line, etc. You may be alone, but there are others around you! People in a similiar or nearly same state as you! You can choose to be lonely...

Reach out...

Love...

I love my daughters. I love my family. I love my dog. I love my friends. I love my job. I love my work. I love Flagstaff... There are a lot of things that I love...

Is love an overused word? Or is it ill-defined?

How does one define love?

I thought I loved two women, one at a time of course... but none the less, I have come to realize that I still love each of them, for different reasons. Each of them will always have a special place in my heart... for any future woman, I hope that you will be able to understand that...

As I have previously mentioned... I think that friendship is a deeper relationship than marriage; partners (spouses) should be friends first and foremost! So is the love of a friend more important? Or is that the crux... a definition...

Let's take an opposite extreme...

Define hate? I don't hate anything, but know many people that have used the word "hate" in describing various things. Hate, is also a very overused word, at best ill-defined as well... For this discussion, let's define it as, "an extreme dislike, to the point of disgust." Using this definition, I myself have to admit near "hate" for some things...

However, how does an individual profess "hate" for something that ultimately was created for a good purpose? Just because something exercised a free-will judgement to choose a different path...

Here in lies the ultimate dichotomy... does good exist without evil? Silence without noise? Positive without negative?

Love without hate?

Can one know about light, without knowing darkness? Can one experience cold, without comparing it to heat? Or ultimately... is darkness the absence of light; cold, the absence of heat; silence, the absence of noise; evil, the absence of good; hate... the absence of love...

So help me define love! Is it only the absence of hate? Or is it something much more...

Friends...

An interesting thing happened today, well actual three...



I think I surprised and slightly embarrased a friend, but that's OK... She needed it! Sooner or later she will finally figure it out.



I learned that another friend's voice is 65% back! She's had a cold/laryngitis...



And finally, I got a message from an old High School friend!



These things got me thinking about how important friends are! I have lived a very full and eventful life, for that I am most grateful for, but at times I have often wondered about who else would be interested or even care. Obviously, one's family comes to mind, but not everyone has a family, or at least one that cares... So what does that leave someone? The answer is friends!



Friends are a different, but kind of a special, type of relationship. No one is obligated to be a friend to someone, it has to be a mutual choice... sorta like a marriage, but different. In some ways, I think a friendship is deeper than a marriage. Perhaps that is the secret to a long and happy marriage... more married couples should be friends, even best friends!



I have seen it in action with another friend. He and his wife are best friends. They are more than a couple, more than partners, they are... well... each other! They are totally devoted to one another first and foremost as friends, then as partners, then as husband and wife! I totally envy them! Yes... I'm guilty of that sin! But what they have works!

So to all of my friends, past, present, and future... to those that may happen upon this blog... thank you! Thank you for considering me your friend!

Welcome to my ramblings...

I originally posted some 3 years ago... neglected it for about 3 years... now I've decided to restart!

A new beginning!

Tonight I ran to the grocery store... not that I needed to, but felt compelled to. Don't know why, can't explain it, but just knew I needed to go.

While there I saw/met a work friend that needed a ride home. He got it! I had the opportunity to meet his mother and nephew as I helped carry in his groceries. I know that there was a reason, but I don't know the reason! That is something special if you think about it...

Every now and then you are put into certain situations that you don't know why you are there, don't know how you got there, but sorta know that it it's important that you are there! It will make sense to some, but otherwise will be confusing to most... sorry I can't explain it more clearly...

That seems to happen to me a lot. I find myself in situations, find myself being in the right place at just the right moment, I meet people at just the right time...

Sorta weird!

More to come!